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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29790972">To Grow Beyond The Shadows Of Our Past</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolbreezemage/pseuds/coolbreezemage'>coolbreezemage</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Discovery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 03:27:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,808</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29790972</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolbreezemage/pseuds/coolbreezemage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the Emperor's face Saru sees all of Captain Georgiou’s shrewd, clever mind, and none of her kindness, her willingness to reach across the stars to invite one alien boy to join her vibrant world. </p>
<p>He feels no small measure of pride at the disappointment that flashes in her eyes when he refuses to cower before her. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Michael Burnham &amp; Saru, Mirror Philippa Georgiou &amp; Saru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>To Grow Beyond The Shadows Of Our Past</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Michael will not tell him what happened in that other universe beyond the barest, most salient facts. He knows she killed that universe’s Connor to preserve her captaincy. He knows she sought out the rebels. Walked in the Emperor’s court and among her closest circles. All of that is past, now. But something still haunts her. He will not ask, will not force her to tell, but he worries. He knows it must have been something terrible. </p>
<p>It pains him to see brave, arrogant Michael ducking guiltily from his eyes. A few months ago, perhaps, he might have taken some bitter satisfaction from the sight. Now, the mere idea fills him with shame. There are things in this world far, far more important than old grudges. More important even than lost futures. He has struggled to grow beyond what they have lost to this war, what they have done for this war, and he hopes he’s succeeded. Now, he sees that Michael has done the same.</p>
<p>For Michael is braver than he, and she has faced down unspeakable things and lived. He does not want to think on what it is that has shaken her so deeply.</p>
<p>And yet, he cannot help but wonder.</p>
<p>He has his suspicions, of course. The xenophobic principles of the Terran Empire. A few oblique references to “workers” in ships’ manifests. And the haughty, hungry way the Emperor looks at him tells him everything else he needs to know.</p>
<p>Saru knows a predator when he sees one. Or so he thought, until Lorca crept so perfectly through his defenses. Inspired Saru to follow him, despite knowing there was something wrong there. He’d attributed his doubts to his own fear, to the fact that war cast everything in darkness and cold and left so little room for softness or love. But he’d been wrong. It was the bonds between people and their love of each other and their ideals that let them survive the cruelty of war. </p>
<p>And the cruelty of a world unbound by any sense of decency, friendship, or honor.</p>
<p>It seems in that dark universe, his people’s fate is much the same as in his own, their lives lived under the shadow of another’s control. Born and bred for death, to be used and discarded at another race’s whims. Saru grieves for them, and that grief is not something unfamiliar to him. He has known it his entire life. </p>
<p>But he has never known, never seen, the ones pulling the strings on it all. Until now. </p>
<p>As he had feared would happen since the moment he learned of her existence, the Emperor corners him in a quiet corridor outside Main Engineering where few are likely to stumble upon them. By all rights, she should not be free to wander the ship, but he is not surprised that they’ve failed to keep her confined. </p>
<p>The only thing keeping him from fleeing is the knowledge that she holds no power in this universe, that her sharp eyes and sharper words are the best and only weapons she has in a world that knows nothing of her throne.  </p>
<p>In her face he sees all of Captain Georgiou’s shrewd, clever mind, and none of her kindness, her willingness to reach across the stars to invite one alien boy to join her vibrant world. </p>
<p>He feels no small measure of pride at the disappointment that flashes in the Emperor’s eyes when he refuses to cower before her. </p>
<p>“Kelpien,” she says, making it sound like the most vile of curses. </p>
<p>“I will remind you,” he says, fighting his threat instinct with every level, stern word, “that I am in command of this vessel, and you will address me as such.” Everything in him wants to run and hide, but he will die before giving her that satisfaction.</p>
<p>She lifts her chin. “<em>Arrogant </em> Kelpien. Rising far above its proper place.” She shakes her head. “Your poor, poor crewmates, are they so stupid that they can’t see they’ve put an animal in charge?”</p>
<p>The words are so clearly meant to rile him that he almost laughs. </p>
<p>“Is that really the best you can do?” he says, acerbic, unflinching. </p>
<p>“I can do worse,” she says, and he sees her hand twitch towards a blade that isn’t there. “And I will, if you get in my way again.” </p>
<p>Has she forgotten that it was she who sought him out? “As you will shortly be delivered into Starfleet custody,” Saru says, “I see no reason for our paths to cross again.”</p>
<p>Another sharp, humorless smile. “If you were in my world, you’d be killed for that presumption, for daring to talk back to your betters. And then… well, it would be such a tragedy to let good meat go to waste.”</p>
<p>Try as he might, he can’t suppress a shudder. If she hoped to unsettle him, she succeeded.</p>
<p>Something cruel glints in her eyes. She smells the blood she’s drawn. “Did your Michael tell you she ate at my table? And I had slaves to spare. I serve only the finest of dishes for my loyal daughter. It was a delightful meal.” </p>
<p>As if he needed more proof of her savagery. He mourns for that poor soul, and all the rest fallen to the same gruesome fate.  </p>
<p>“Then it is unfortunate for you that this is not your world,” he says. “I think you’ll find it a far different place.” A kinder place. A worthy place.</p>
<p>She scoffs. “Soft. Pathetic. Why not kill me where I stand, Kelpien? Your strength against a Terran’s would leave me little chance of survival.”</p>
<p>He regards her with contempt for what she might do if unleashed upon the peaceful planets of this universe. And he regards her with a bone-deep well of anger at what she has done to too many such planets in her own universe. His own beloved homeworld among them. </p>
<p>From a purely physical standpoint, he could very likely inflict a fatal injury without too much difficulty. But Saru will not abandon his principles. She is not worth that. </p>
<p>“I have business to attend to,” he says. “You are not on that list. You will refrain from interfering with this crew until we reach the starbase.”</p>
<p>“Coward,” she laughs, and stalks away as if she’s won the argument, as if she is still Emperor of anything anymore.</p>
<p>But Saru knows better.</p>
<hr/>
<p>What Michael has done is not something he can absolve her of. But he wishes, perhaps prays, that she will not suffer for it. For what she had to do, what they all had to do, to survive. </p>
<p>He finds her in an empty observation lounge, looking out onto the stars. How long has she been here? Despite her Vulcan education, it is most unlike her to sit still for long.</p>
<p>It’s almost a full minute before she notices him there, glances up and then away again, saying nothing. He moves forward to sit beside her, and they stay like that for a while in silence.</p>
<p>They could never have shared a moment like this on the <em> Shenzhou</em>, not when they spent all their moments trying to outdo each other. It strikes him now how petty all that was. How it wasted time they could have spent working together. They have so much in common, now more than before. He will be forever grateful that they managed to mend that rift between them, and he regrets the words he spoke that drove it wider.</p>
<p>“Did you think I could not bear the truth?” he says, as gently as he can. He will not heap more guilt upon her. But he needs to know she trusts him. </p>
<p>“Saru, I-” She stares at him, eyes wide with horror. “She talked to you.”</p>
<p>“Yes. She had details to share that she thought might shock me.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t know,” Michael says, voice distant. “I- no, it doesn’t matter. I’m so sorry. I-”</p>
<p>Before, he might have let her flounder. No more. “You were not responsible for that,” he says. “She did a terrible thing to you.”</p>
<p>Michael nods, then shakes her head, then turns away from him. “I shouldn’t be asking you to comfort me for any of this.”</p>
<p>She so desperately wants to keep this burden from him, to bear it all and every other pain until she’s crushed beneath the weight. He cannot allow that.</p>
<p>He tilts his head. “Perhaps. But if I wish to? As a friend?” </p>
<p>She glances to him, a flicker of something vulnerable in her face, then down again. “That’s not all of it,” she says, quiet enough that if he were a human he might not have heard her. She takes a breath, and speaks. “There was a version of you on that universe’s <em> Shenzhou </em>,” she says.</p>
<p>That, he had guessed from the moment the Emperor appeared on the transporter pad. What had stayed with him longer than the Emperor’s cruel shout was that revelation that Michael had lied to him. </p>
<p>Had tried to spare him from this knowledge. </p>
<p>Michael swallows. “He served the Captain. He served me. I couldn’t- there was nothing I could do. I should have tried harder.” </p>
<p>“I am certain you did all you could,” he says, and means it. Michael has never been able to let an injustice go unaddressed. </p>
<p>A moment of quiet. Saru mourns that other man, who never knew the freedom he found in the stars. He has questions, but they are ones he will never ask. </p>
<p>“I don’t regret bringing her here,” Michael says to the stars outside. “Is that a bad thing?”</p>
<p>Saru shakes his head. “I do not know. You did what you thought was right. And you saved a life. Surely that must count for something.”</p>
<p>“By whose reckoning?” Michael returns, but it’s wry, not sorrowful. </p>
<p>She smiles at him, smiles despite the tears in her eyes. “You did so well, Saru. Commanding the ship. She would be proud.” He doesn’t need to ask who she means. </p>
<p>He lets it warm him. </p>
<p>“And I am certain she would be proud of you.”</p>
<p>She leans towards him, and then pauses and pulls back. Saru considers this. Her Vulcan upbringing has left her uneasy with affection. And she knows he’s rarely comfortable with people in his space. But after years of deliberately disrespecting his wishes, it is strange to see her so careful, so concerned for him and his state of mind. </p>
<p>He takes her hand. It’s a bold gesture, so much more than he ever might have done on the <em> Shenzhou</em>. </p>
<p>And finally she lets herself settle her head against his shoulder. He puts a careful arm around her, and they stay like that for a long, quiet while.</p>
<p>They have lost so much to this war.</p>
<p>He will never let such a rift come between them again.</p>
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